My Journey to Mordor

Time proves a tricky concept. Situations from the past can seem to define us. The future can scare us. Whatever the present holds can easily engulf us.

I have found that many people feel vulnerable and unsure of themselves in the present as a result of what happened in the past or a desire for what the future holds. Similarly, I find myself questioning where my life is headed and what I could possibly accomplish.

I look at my past and long for the little girl I once was, the child who didn't have a care in the world except for the occasional worry of punishment after doing something wrong. I was a pretty good kid, though, so I didn't have to worry about that too much...

I also look to the future and yearn for a life I have yet to experience. Where will I live in 10 years? Who will I marry?  How many kids will we have?

Some days, it feels almost second nature to drift off either in a memory of the past or a dream of the future. All the while, the present too quickly transitions to past, and I have lost my grip on the whole thing. 

I cannot complain in the slightest about my present. I have a wonderful job, a new place to live and a family I can count on for anything. And yet I cannot help but feel somewhat unsatisfied. The source of this feeling has nothing to do with my surroundings or the people in my life. To say it's not you, it's me might sound cliche and slightly dramatic, but I'll say it anyway.

Whenever I watch a movie with an underdog hero who goes above and beyond what everyone expected, I grow slightly unsatisfied with myself. I become convinced that if I had the opportunity, I would destroy the Death Star, I would lead a revolution against the Capitol, I would make that trip to Mordor and destroy the ring. But then I second-guess myself. 

This second-guessing and dissatisfaction emerge from thoughts of, "What am I accomplishing? How do I make a difference each day?" True, rings that require destroying run in short supply, but if I take a closer look, I guarantee I will find rings in my daily life I need to pay more attention to. 

When I bring my mind back to the present and stop glorifying my past, I can learn from the trials and the excitement that God placed in my path, using those lessons to challenge myself each day. Instead of  idolizing my future, I can focus on the task for today. What am I supposed to learn during this season? How am I supposed to glorify Him during this time of life?

Whenever I begin to feel unsatisfied, I choose to take it as a challenge for growth. The Holy Spirit stirs something inside of me, hinting at the fact that God created me to accomplish great things for His kingdom. If I do not strive each day to accomplish whatever God has for me, then why should I feel satisfied with myself?

I choose to grow from my past and not live in it. I also choose to live today in order to become the person God created me to be for tomorrow. And if tomorrow brings a ring of power that requires destroying, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, I will continue searching for opportunities to bring Him glory, the only task that will ever truly satisfy my soul. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

Playing the martyr, growing impatient, holding a grudge. All these things, plus more, can easily make sense in our minds. In fact, we can even explain away most reasoning when someone we love calls us out on these attitudes. We feel, in many cases, that we have the right to our attitudes because of what we have gone through or what someone has done to us. These verses say otherwise.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a ~ "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Whenever I read these verses, I am struck by two truths. Since God is love, all these things are true about His relationship with me, and it's a good thing I am saved by grace, because I do not embody these characteristics. 

I am in the process of memorizing these verses. Sure, many of us have grown accustomed to the flow and rhythm of it, but how often do you stop at each one of these characteristics and think of areas where you need to improve the way you love others and the God who loves you perfectly? 

My initial reaction to this challenge for myself brought cringes and excuses as to why I didn't need to spend time on that. My hope and prayer is that you can move beyond whatever excuse you just thought of as you read this in order to grow into the man or woman God created you to be. Strive for more.