When the answer means closing your Bible

When it comes to discipline, I can say as humbly as possible that I'm pretty darn good at it. Give me a goal, and I will set my mind to completing it. I hate giving up on something, and if I do, my conscience eats away at me. I think of discipline as promises I make to myself. If I can't keep a promise to myself, how can I keep promises to others and to God?

Spending time alone with God proves something I know I need to remain disciplined with. Making sure I pray and read the Bible each day definitely sits on the top of my list of keeping promises to God and myself. But what do I do when my heart becomes dry? When I open this book that people say is God's love letter written to me only to read the words without feeling?

These times form a picture in my mind of walking through a desert. I long for a refreshing drink of water, but I find none. It's not that my actions are wrong or my desires are not present, it's just that I cannot seem to find what I'm looking for. And that bothers me.

When I find myself wandering in the desert, it's easy to become frustrated with God. I call out, reminding him that I seek after him each time I open the pages he wrote. So why can't I feel him or see him?

Recently, the search for wisdom has grown more pertinent in my life. I have found myself in a place where I thirst for the truth and the wisdom to determine that truth. There are days when I search through Proverbs and find exactly what I'm looking for in that moment. Other days, I close my Bible not as satisfied.

However, I have begun to think maybe God doesn't desire to reveal some awe-inspiring truth each time we open his word. Maybe he just wants us willing to search for it. Or maybe he just wants us.

The other day, I grew frustrated with the lack of revelation during my time studying the Bible. The day shone brilliantly, and I sat at a picnic table, unable to concentrate as a result of the squirrels chasing each other and the birds pecking at trees, working for their dinner. I flirted with the precipice looming over simply giving up on spending time with God, when I realized that in that moment, having my eyes search the pages of this holy book was not what I needed.

When I came to this realization, I closed my Bible, turned my face toward the sun and closed my eyes. Overwhelmed with a sense of peace, I knew this was my revelation for the day: The beauty of sitting in his presence was all I needed.

Having the discipline of reading your Bible every day is necessary for your growth as a follower of Jesus. However, if you are wandering through the desert, searching for a refreshing drink, maybe you also need to simply turn your face toward the sun and feel him walking beside you.